Bits & Pieces

Cut, snip, crop, paste, decoupage.  I cannot count the number of projects in school and helping with retreats where the prompt was “All About Me” and the task was to cut and paste from a pile of discarded magazines and newspapers. In the 90s, every household seemed to have subscriptions to TV Guide, National Geographic, Newsweek, and countless others for us to pick from. When a crate of discarded periodicals emerged, we knew what to do.

By my senior year of high school, I was a pro at the scrapbook page “All About Me” collage. While on a retreat with the campus ministry team, I remember staring down at one such creation filled with pithy quotes and puppies and thinking “none of this is really me.” I took a translucent sheet of paper and taped over the collage, the colors and patterns still peeked through, but did not really take center stage. I was beginning to experience inklings that my identity was bigger than this cutesy collage. That blank sheet of paper meant something, but at 17 I wasn’t sure what that was… 

In the years that followed, that “blank page” was filled with different expressions of who I was. The dancer, the perfect student, the extracurricular club queen, these things ceased to matter as much. My faith was changing: how I prayed, what religious traditions were most meaningful, and ways the church could cause harm to me and to others. At times, I struggled with anxiety and depression. There was no “magic bullet” to diagnose what triggered these episodes, no one moment of crisis. Things like my beloved grandmother’s death, changes in my family, and the loss of significant friendships all contributed to those feelings of despair.  Who am I? What do I have to offer the world?

From my little office job in my college’s campus ministry, I became connected to the worldwide Ignatian Spirituality network. In hindsight, I realize I did not do the “big things” while I was in college. I did not join a sorority or a service organization; I did not study abroad or even go on an alternative spring break trip; I graduated with honors but was never asked to be in the prestigious Jesuit Honors Society.  I had changed majors my senior year, and had decided to graduate as quickly as I could.  17-year-old me would have looked at 21-year-old me and seen a failure, with very little to show for myself. I had stopped being the over-achiever. Out of necessity for my spiritual and emotional wellbeing, I had focused on doing a few things with greater commitment. 

Some of the most helpful things to me during this time were retreats, faith-sharing groups, and spiritual direction. Each of these offerings gave me not only the tools for self-discovery and exploration, but people who accepted me and were willing to walk with me along the way. I was no longer cutting and pasting activities together, trying to make myself into a whole person. 

I have experienced this disconnect at other times in my life- a ministry opportunity that did not pan out, a working environment where my gifts went unappreciated, and relationships where I felt my voice did not matter. The temptation to wallow in despair sometimes rears its ugly head. When my identity has been shaken to the core, I realize I have allowed the ministry, the job, the external approval to dictate my sense of self. 

Ignatian spirituality has given me the tools to take the disparate pieces of myself and see their worth. In my memory, I return to that moment on my campus ministry retreat more than 20 years ago. I see the girl staring at a blank page and asking “what’s next God”?

On that day, and again today, I hear the same answer from God. “It’s me, I am next.” 

Going Deeper

• Hear more about my experience Discovering My Own Gifts
• Discover an Ignatian Retreat. Christus Ministries offers the ones that shaped my spirituality, but there are many others. 
• Find an Ignatian faith-sharing group through Christian Life Community. 
• Listen for the voice of God in your own life during an Ignatian Ministries’ retreat. Love and Freedom: The First Principle and Foundation just began on September 15. The next Community Retreat Offering will be during Advent.