Saturday of the Fifth Week of Lent
“So Jesus no longer walked about in public among the Jews, but he left for the region near the desert, to a town called Ephraim, and there he remained with his disciples.” John 11:54
Sometimes we can carry ourselves with dignity in the face of adversity, and sometimes we would rather hide. I may pray to be like Jesus, but I cannot say I have earnestly prayed to really be humiliated and humbled with Jesus. I like being respected and valued. I like feeling useful. And there have been a lot of instances lately, where I do not want to “walk about in public” among people and deal with questions that have no answers and pain that has no outlet. So instead, I want to hide.
Last weekend we were invited to two different kids birthday parties at the same time. I had a feeling one of the parties could result in awkward conversations with people I didn’t really want to see. Instead, I thought, “I will hide.” I RSVPed yes to only one of the invitations and planned to avoid seeing people from a painful area of my life. God has a funny sense of humor though… unbeknownst to me, the party we attended had overlap with that “group” I was avoiding. And instead of being awkward and sad, my encounters were filled with joy and hope. The people I ran into were genuinely happy to see me. I had planned to hide, but God made space for me to be seen. In today’s readings Jesus does retreat into “hiding” with his closest disciples, I also know that tomorrow he will ride into town on a donkey for Palm Sunday. He is done hiding, his hour has come, and he is willing to be seen.
St. Ignatius offers a meditation on Three Degrees of Humility, a deepening, humbling to God’s will. I have read this meditation and prayed with it before, but I don’t think I really meant it at all. The first degree is simply being obedient to God’s will and desiring to follow God. In the second, a sense of freedom not to desire wealth or success over poverty and struggle. The third degree is to actually choose the struggle and pain that Christ himself experienced. The primary goal is not to suffer, but to be so near to Christ you feel all that he endured. Ignatius himself struggled with putting aside his ego and desire for honor and glory.
While it is possible to receive accolades and success in the service of God, our own accomplishments should not overshadow our desire to remain faithful to God. As painful as some of my recent experiences in ministry have been, I have not doubted that God has been continuing inviting me to walk with him. I just wish it wasn’t so hard… I would rather hide.
My own prayer today is that I have the courage to come out of hiding, to walk with Jesus on the road to Calvary, and be willing to accept whatever humiliation comes with it.
Prayer for Holy Week
By: Elizabeth Jennings
Love me in my willingness to suffer
Love me in the gifts I wish to offer
Teach me how you love and have to die
And I will try
Somehow to forget myself and give
Life and joy so dead things start to live.
Let me show now an untrammeled joy,
Gold without alloy.
Jen Coito: Ignatius at Home 